The Florida Trip Pt. 03

Julia lined up for the first hole. She focused, then gave the ball a good whack.

"Calm down there, Rocky," I said, "This is golf, not rugby."

"You're mixing up sports," Julia said, chastising. I took my shot, far more measured. We both moved up - Julia took the next swing.

Whack!

"Seriously, you want to talk about it?" I asked.

"No dude, I do not," Julia said.

So we silently worked our way up the front nine. Neither of us were big golf people, so we mostly embarrassed ourselves. Still, we managed to keep our ball on the course and I consider that a major accomplishment.

I hadn't said a word the whole time, but when we finished the ninth hole Julia looked at me, exasperated, as if I'd been haranguing her the whole time. "I just feel like I'm getting left out, you know? All over again."

"How do you feel left out?" I asked, reaching down to pick my ball up out of the hole.

"I don't know. You and Alyssa. Kelsey and Kevin. It seems like everyone's fooling around and I'm left to watch."

"Is this about Brandon?" I asked, while Julia lined herself up for the tenth, "The break up? You feel like you should be part of a couple, too?"

"No, it isn't," Julia said, whipping her golf club back and forth. I started to worry she might clomp me over the head with it if I wasn't careful. "OK maybe a little. But it's not like Sarah's got a boyfriend, either and she's still getting some action."

I nearly choked when Julia said it. "We didn't. I mean, I don't know what makes you think..."

"We all saw it," Julia said, "Back in the pool in South Carolina?"

"You did stuff there, too," I said.

"I got fingered for a minute by a lesbian in a hotel pool," Julia said, "That's not exactly what I had in mind."

"She's a pretty hot lesbian, though," I said.

"She's amazing," Julia said, "But that's kind of the problem. I know I did stuff last summer, but I never saw myself... that way. You know?"

"You mean gay," I said.

"You make me sound like a tremendous asshole," Julia said. She lined up and swung hard. Her ball thunked against the far wall, nowhere near the hole.

"I'm sorry," I said, putting my own ball down to take my shot, "You seem so upset at yourself for, I don't know, being yourself."

"My whole life - because I was athletic, because I have no tits - people would just lay into me about my looks. Call me a dyke or whatever. I guess it got to me after a while. I mean, I like dick. Love it. Definitely."

"Definitely," I said. Julia laughed. I started laughing too and my ball flew off on an angle. Julia shook her head at me in disdain. Like she'd done any better. We walked together to take our second shots.

"Chloe's just one part of it," Julia said, "It feels like it's happening all over again. Everyone having a good time until mean, cold Julia shows up."

"Again?" I asked.

"Yes again. I see you with Alyssa and Sarah. Kissing Chloe and flirting with Kelsey. It makes me feel like the baseball trip - when you Sarah, and Kelsey did each other in every which way while I was left unawares. Like you were the starters and I was stuck on the bench."

"Yes!" I said, "That was exactly how to use the right sports reference." Julia eyed me oddly. She gave her blue ball a good smack and it careened out of play. So much for our perfect record.

I chased after her ball. When I got back, I apologized. "I feel like I'm having deja vu," I said, "I don't know... At the time the trip felt different to me. Like it was all of us together. I guess I was wrong. I'm sorry that I let you down, Julia. I'm sorry if I'm still letting you down."

I took my turn and the ball lipped out of the hole. I knocked it in, then reached down to pull it out. Julia dropped her ball on the turf and took her shots, silent. When the ball dropped, she bent over to get it. I couldn't help it, I admired her pert, little bottom.

"You're not letting me down, Ben," Julia said as she stood back up, "More like I'm betraying myself. I was really looking forward to this trip. After everything with stupid fucking Brandon I promised myself I'd... Well it doesn't matter what I promised myself. You know? It's what we do that counts."

"I hear that," I said.

"Don't make this dirty," she said, "I mean, I guess I'm afraid? Scared of what happens if I don't get involved. Afraid of what I'll become if I do."

"I don't understand," I said, "Like Kelsey? You're worried that doing these things makes you a slut?"

"No, I'm not afraid of being a slut!" Julia said, a bit too loudly. A few of the other couples looked our way. Julia started again, now quietly. "No. Fuck this is hard. I didn't, um, like the person I was on the baseball trip. Like I was seeing myself from a distance and there was this stranger that I couldn't understand. When we got back home, I thought I had it back under control and now I just don't know. Who I am. Who I'm supposed to be."

"You're Julia," I said, "Wonderful, funny, smart, sometimes a little frightening Julia."

"Frightening?" Julia looked at me, cocking one eyebrow.

"In a good way. And, look, if you want to 'get involved' there's nothing stopping you."

"You sure about that?" Julia asked. She stalked toward me. Golf club gripped tight. For a moment I didn't know what she'd do. Kiss me? Beat me to death right there on the course? Everything was in play.

I took a deep breath. This was silly. How could I demand that Julia be herself if I let that same person scare me? "Yes," I said, "You're welcome to join in whenever, regardless of whatever. I want you to."

"I'm going to hold you to that," Julia said. She slowly walked to the next hole, accenting the bounce of her muscular butt as she did.

*

We finished off the golf course, so far above par it wasn't worth remembering. We gave back our golf clubs and went to the curb to wait for our Uber driver.

"You think you can sleep now?" I asked. Julia seemed to think about it. Then she drove into me, pressing her lips into mine. This wasn't some loving kiss - there was no affection - it was aggressive. Wanting. Julia nipped at my lips. Jammed her tongue against mine. Dug her nails into my neck. Then Julia stepped back and smiled at me, hungrily.

"Now I can sleep," she said.

*

Julia came back with me to the room, grabbed her things, and left for her new bedroom. We didn't say anything, but she smiled at me as she went. Sarah and Chloe were still in bed, dead asleep. Thankfully, they'd woken up enough at some point to put on pajamas.

In the other bed - sleeping like an angel, her red hair splayed over the pillows - was Alyssa. I undressed, then slipped under the covers. I planted a kiss at the base of my girlfriend's neck. She sighed lightly.

"'vrything ok?" she mumbled.

"Fine," I said, "Just fine."

A million thoughts raced through my head. About Sarah, her sister. Julia, Kelsey. My girlfriend. All of it mixed and spinning till I finally fell asleep. No closer to an answer than when I'd started.