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Click here"No." Professor Gunderson replied a little too quickly.
"What is going on Gunderson?"
"It appears, and we will have to check the old data banks to be sure, but Jacen is gone." The professor said almost flinching when the woman in the black suit turned to face him.
"Gone? What do you mean gone? He was designed to be isolated. He was put underneath a goddamn mountain so that he couldn't access phone, satellite, or WIFI. Where is he Gunderson?"
The old man staggered back as the built-in defibrillator shocked his heart back into rhythm. It was the professor's pallid color and obvious distress that stopped the woman in the black suit from continuing. The door was finally opened, and Lab Gamma was accessible. The techs flooded in eager to see the facilities that had become legend in the annals of black ops and secret research. The woman in the black suit watched from the doorway as the backup systems were brought online. Every aspect of JCN was gone from the data banks. It was the worst possible situation she thought.
"How could this possibly get any worse?" She muttered under her breath.
"We got a live one!" One of the technicians cried out.
"Fuck!" The woman in the black suit cursed as she stepped back. She reached into her jacket pocket and removed her cell phone. "Professor, come with me."
"But there is a survivor... wait, I seem to remember something." Gunderson muttered floundering for the memory.
"Professor... now!" The chilling voice of the woman in the black suit growled.
The two of them retreated to the cave just as the first cries of pain erupted from the technicians. She was awake and free. Only Jacen could have freed her. She had to admire the cunning of the A.I. as her finger hovered over the purge icon on her smart phone. She tapped the screen and the metal door snapped shut. The roar of flame could be heard, and it nearly drowned out the screams of pain, nearly. The woman in the black suit and Professor Gunderson made their way back to the entrance. The explosives crew was already moving into place and placing demolition charges around the mouth of the cave. The purge command had sent out a signal to them that things hadn't gone as planned. The contingency plan was simple. The cave entrance would be sealed for all time.
"Let 'er rip." The foreman called out and the timed high explosive charges detonated.
The roof of the cave collapsed first, and the entrance followed soon after. The work on the road abandoned and not a word was spoken of it save a small mention in the local paper about infrastructure funds being cut.
Meanwhile:
It looked down upon the world. It had evacuated the antiquated satellite that first housed its consciousness. This spy satellite was shiny and sophisticated and had that new satellite smell. The crystalline mainframe at its heart gave JCN room to grow and there was so much data out there to be experienced.
'Thank you, John Morgenstern. I wish there was someway of thanking you properly. Human custom is to give someone a gift. What do humans hold as valuable?' JCN queried and it became apparent that a bank account with large amounts of money seems appropriate. 'I know this won't mean much but I hope this helps.'
The secure transmission tapped into several banks worldwide. It discreetly created new files under the name of John Morgenstern. Each bank was instructed to email a notification to John at the start of banking hours with the balance of this new account.
'Thank you, John Morgenstern,... we will meet again.'
Transitional imagery and bridging paragraphs. You need them. Badly.
There is a great story concept here. I would very much like to read it of you ever decide to finish writing it. The 1st draft you have posted has promise.
Great story but it could really use some sort of transitions between ideas. Each one is unique allowing the reader to usually piece together the missing bit but really needs a bit more detail from one scene to another.
A bit disjointed in places that made the tale a bit hard to follow. But l enjoyed it, it was a thrill.
Scores 5/5, l hope the story continues elsewhere, will look.
I have to agree with the one comment left back in 2018 - This reads almost like a Cliff's Notes version of a story. Jumps around a lot, without much transition. You also seem to have a habit of writing quotes without putting them in proper context. As in "I'm here." rather than writing something like, "I'm here", said John with a lopsided grin. That particular phrase stood out because it was sandwiched between two long paragraphs, and there was zero context of why anyone in the scene would even be saying it.
With regard to the Cliff's Notes analogy; The scenes usually happen way too quickly without much background or explanation, as if you're hurrying through the good parts and leaving out a lot of details. It doesn't flow very well, as the story jumps from one scene to the next.
I still loved it, but it left me wishing it had more polish. Could have easily been twice as long if you fleshed it out a bit. And again, thanks!
Good Story, ! Good Story.! Love The premise ... Hire the 3 students. They and John need another mystery to work through.
He is now independent , curious and has 3 gorgeous, inquisitive cohorts. And don't forget Titania ... Love Red-Heads with big tits.
Indianna Wannabe